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These articles are strictly for fun: From the Railroad List (internet). Though April Fools Day was about a week ago, these are posted for fun.

This just in from a wire service--

Chicago, April 1--

Ongoing discussions between Amtrak and the U.S. Department of Energy have produced a new plan to preserve service on part of the Pioneer and Desert Wind routes. These services are scheduled to end May 10. Under the proposed scheme Amtrak will transport low-level nuclear waste from the Hanford site in Eastern Washington to a disposal facility near Las Vegas, Nevada. The train would operate via Salt Lake City. A single lead-lined car will accompany the shipments and will allow passengers and a security team to travel between Portland and Los Angeles. Similar shielding will be installed in locomotives to protect crew members.

Union Pacific Railroad, over whose tracks the new nuke train would operate, had no immediate comment. Whether they will protest that Amtrak was siphoning off high-value traffic remains to be seen. UP recently complained about an Amtrak scheme to run the Pioneer as a high speed parcel and mail train.

Amtrak officials also remained mum, although a spokesman quipped that the new service would give a whole new meaning to the term "hot" train.

Further details are to be announced, today, April 1.

Today, officials from the CSX, Norfolk Southern and Conrail announced they were halting all merger activity, and in fact are going to sell off all three railroads to shortlines throughout the East Coast.

"There are too few railroads in this country, and we're not going to be party to the death of any more," the joint press release said. "What this country needs are more, not less railroads, so we can have many more color schemes roaming the country. We just couldn't look forward to a sea of black locomotives blanketing so many states."

United Airlines immediately expressed interest in purchasing several main corridors, but the railroads stated flatly they wouldn't sell any segment more than 200 miles long to any one.

Chief of Union Pacific steam locomotive operations Steve Lee announced today that the UP will rebuild one of their famous "Big Boy" locomotives. "They said it couldn't be done, it wouldn't be done, but they don't know my shop crew," Lee stated proudly. "We could rebuild the Titanic if they could just get it to Cheyenne."

Which of the several remaining Big Boys will be selected for rebuilding has not been decided. "We have to figure out which park is easiest to sneak it out of at night," said Lee. "These local towns think they own the damn things, but really, we just lent them the locomotives as part of a secret arrangement with the US Defense Dept to maintain a reserve power fleet in case of national emergency."

Today there were no accidents, derailments, injuries or equipment failures anywhere on American railroading, according to the AAR. "This is the first time in history we've been able to report such statistics, and we hope it won't be the last," said AAR's safety officer.

State Legislatures in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois announced today a joint funding pact to preserve Amtrak service throughout their region. "They're not going to take our beloved Pioneer away from us," said Washington Governor Gary Locke, speaking on behalf of the governors for all the states involved. "I mean, just think of the name itself, linked as it is to our rich western heritage. That's worth millions in itself."

The package includes $160 million to purchase 16 new Talgo train sets to reequip the service. The new sets will include sleeping cars as well as on-board hot tubs and exercise equipment. "But no smoking," said Governor Locke. "We'll leave that to that cigarette train thing."

Locke also said that they would be negotiating with Amtrak to purchase and operate all passenger service throughout the West. "These guys in D.C. just don't know how to run a railroad," said Locke.

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Last Update: 05/10/97
Web Author: Warren Y. Yee